Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
