I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
