yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
