Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
