1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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