I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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