if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
