I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
