No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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