Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
