I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
