I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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