At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
