I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
