I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
