There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
