I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
