she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
