am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i already hear my dad disowning me
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
