I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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