Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
