wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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