How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
