the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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