I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
