she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
