she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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