A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
