Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
