Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
