as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize