Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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