sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
