wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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