I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize