I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
