So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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