Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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