I wish I only lived at night.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Randomize
