Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
