Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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