no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
