Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
