You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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