you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
