Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize