Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
this just has baby written all over it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
