Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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