Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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