Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
