I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize