I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
